Joey Tribbiani (Matt LeBlanc): "In New York, if you see a pretty girl, you can just walk right up to her. You know? But here, they're all in cars. They go whipping past me at like a million miles an hour. You know, like today, I saw this pretty girl toward me, so I make a u-turn and get a ticket for $800."
Michael Tribbiani (Paulo Costanzo): ""
Joey: "$800 for a u-turn?"
Michael: "Yeah. We may have been on a freeway at the time, but..."

Joey: "I just wish I had a regular place I could go and meet women."
Michael: "Well, you could go to bars."
Joey: "Nah, I'm getting too old for that. Plus I'm not great at telling whether or not they're gay bars before I go in. Oh, by the way, if Ramone calls, I am not here."

Joey: "Hello, giant plate of sandwiches."
Michael: "Okay... Joey, listen..."
Joey: "Oh, hey, Michael. Didn't even see you there."
Michael: "Hands off, these are for my book club tonight."
Joey: "Bookclub, here, in my own home? God, it's like I'm living at the Playboy mansion."

Gina Tribbiani (Drea de Matteo): "It's so upsetting when-- when people with less talent than you are more succesful."
Joey: "Yeah, like that dog from my beer commercial, couldn't catch a frisbee on cue, works all the time!"

Bobbie Morganstern (Jennifer Coolidge): "What's that?"
Joey: "Oh, it's a portfolio of hairstyles."
Bobbie: "What?"

Bobbie: "Oh, who's the model? Oh, I'd like to keep that little piece of chicken in my pocket and snack on him all day."
Joey: "Uh, that's my nephew."
Bobbie: "Well, we can see who has the looks in your family."

Joey: "My sister is a hairdresser and that's her portfolio. I was hoping maybe you could show it to some of your clients?"
Bobbie: "Oh, absolutely. (She taps on the phone jokingly dialing) Hi, Hale Berry, my client has a sister that's a barber. Could she do your hair for the Oscars?"
Joey: "What'd she say?"

Bobbie: "Let me explain how this agent thing works: First you become famous, and then I'll kiss your ass. But until then, let's keep it strictly professional."
Joey: "Okay, sorry, I understand."
Bobbie: "No, leave the pictueres of the boy-toy."

Maureen (Susan Dalian): "Well, hello. Are you here for book club?"
Joey: "I am now."
Diane (Charlene Amoia): "What did you think of this week's book?"
Joey: "I found it extremely fictional."

Michael: "What are you doing?"
Joey: "You didn't tell me there were pretty ladies in the nerd club. You gotta let me in."
Michael: "Look, I don't know."
Joey: "Hey, come on, Michael. You can't keep me out of a room full of women. If I was in charge of a room full of boring stuff, I'd let you in."

Michael: "Look, this isn't one of those book clubs where people come to mingle, alright. It's-- It's a place to discuss literature, not pick up girls. Thi-- Oy my god, Jane's here, Jane."

Jane (Reagan Dale Neis): "Hi, Michael, I brought an ice cream cake."
Michael: "That's great. That's great. It's great to see you. Uh, great book, huh? So great I tho-- It was a little slow at the begining, but great overall. I mean, did you think it was great?"
Joey: "The cake is cold. My hands are getting numb."
Michael: "Oh."
Joey: "Not a place to pick up girls, huh?"
Michael: "Wh-- Jane, no way no. Are you kidding? No, I would never..."
Joey: "Great, great, gr- great, great, g-g great,great,great, great, ge-ge-ge-ge- great, great."
Michael: "Alright! I love her so much."

Joey: "So, so, ask her out."
Michael: "No, book club has a strict no-dating rule, and I'm the president. She's my vice-president, the scandal would tear our administration apart!"
Joey: "Michael, you have to seize this moment. The love between two nerds is a rare and fragile thing"

Michael: "I can't go agianst the rules with out a motion being passed."
Joey: "So, I'll make a motion."
Michael: "No, you're not a member, there's an approval process."
Joey: "Well, I motion you suspend it, on account of me being the soul payer of rent for the book club's headquarters."
Michael: "I second the motion. The motion is passed."
Joey: "I motion for a presidential exemption to the no-dating rule."
Michael: "I second the motion. The motion is passed."
Joey: "I motion that you and me eat that entire ice cream cake right now."
Michael: "Motion denied!"
Joey: "Mr. Chairman, you're out of order!"

Michael: "What's your secret?"
Joey: "Well, there's no trick. Women just want to be listened to. So when they talk, I pretend to listen and go like this. (He nods along)"

Joey: "What's the book?"
Michael: "Jane Austin's Pride and Prejudice. It's a tale of manners and courtships set in 19th century rural England."
Joey: "I hope you enjoy reading that."
Michael: "Joey, if you're going to be in this book club, you have to read the book. The whole notion of... (Joey starts noddin along pretending to listen.) Stop that!"

Joey: "Actually, Bobbie's been very busy so I don't know if you should be expect a call."
Michael: "Your agent? She did call."
Gina: "Really?"
Michael: "Yeah, it was wierd. She called me her little chicken nugget then made a bunch of slurping noises."
Joey: "That's just showbiz talk."

Alexis 'Alex' Garrett (Andrea Anders): "So, tell me, do you...?"
Gina: "Oh, this isn't a social hour. Tell me, what famous people do you know?"
Alex: "Oh, well, um, my college friend, Jessica is married to a big-time movie producer."
Gina: "So does she wear really expensive gowns and get her hair all done up and go to big premiers?"
Alex: "Yeah, all the time. She goes to one, like every week."
Gina: "Oh, you're lying to impress me."
Alex: "No, I'm not lying. She's a really good friend of mine."
Gina: "Yeah right. I'd like to see you ask her to let me do her hair for her next premier."
Alex: "Alright, I will. Wait, what just happened?"

Michael: "Hello."
Joey: "Hey, listen, toright at book club, don't have Diane sit next to Maureen."
Michael: "Why?"
Joey: "I may be dating both of them exclusively."

Michael: "Hi. Whoa, uh, come in, I'm sorry. You just-- You look great."
Jane: "Thanks, you look... I don't know. I can't see without my glasses. I probably shouldn't have driven here."

Michael: "So, I wanted to ask you..."
Joey: "Don't mind me, just grabbing a snack, Reading maken me hungry!"

Michael: "Um, so I was jus..."
Joey: "(Singing) Just call me angel of the morning, angel. Just touch my cheek before you leave..."

Michael: "Uh, maybe we could strike the no-dating rule from the bylaws?"
Jane: "Oh, yes, let's do that!"
Michael: "Okay, okay, consider it stricken."
Jane: "Okay, great. So we can date people in book club."
Michael: "Yes we can."
Jane: "So, what's up with your uncle?"
Michael: "I'm sorry?"
Jane: "Well, do you think he would go out with me? He mentioned he was single last time and I was hoping you could say something for me."
Joey: "I'm gonna go read in the courtyard, give you two some privacy."

Gina: "Oh, I was a little nervous at first. She's a very fancy lady. She was drinking martinis and sitting with her legs crossed."

Gina: "I'm gonna go tell Michael."
Joey: "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, he's in there with a girl."
Gina: "Okay, he's in there with a girl and you're reading books? What is this, freaky Friday?"

Joey: "Five minutes left, I gotta buckle down. Hey, little snail!"

Joey: "What's the matter? Did you ask Jane out?"
Michael: "No, I didn't ask her out 'cause she wants to go out with you."
Joey: "Oh, dude, I'm so sorry. I-- Obviously, I would never..."
Michael: "You totally screwed this up for me."
Joey: "I didn't mean to. I barely said two words to her."
Michael: "You didn't have to. You came to last weeks meeting with your gameface on, looking to score, and it worked alright. You're like a big blob of sex and you ooze your charm all over the girl I like."
Joey: "I am not a sex blob!"

Michael: "Come, Joey, let's go talk about the book we all read."
Joey: "Nothing past page four!"

Michael: "Who wants to start?"
Lloyd (Marshall Manesh): "I thought..."
Michael: "Joey, what'd you think of Pride and Prejudice? Let's hear it, what were some of the central themes?"
Joey: "Uh, w-- well, pride was one."
Maureen: "Mm, yeah."
Diane: "Yeah."
Joey: "And, of course, prejudice, which is wrong."
Maureen: "Oh, yeah."
Diane: "Ah"

Michael: "And what'd you think of Darcy?"
Joey: "She was good!"
Michael: "Darcy's a man!"
Maureen: "But not in the modern sense. Is that what you're saying, Joey?"
Joey: "Uh, yes it is-- Yes it is, Maureen. Thank you."

Michael: "He didn't read the book! The only reason he's here is to pick up women. Now, in the interest og maintaining the integrity of book club, I motion that we kick Joey out. Who seconds? Come on, he didn't read the book."
Maureen: "Neither did I."
Lloyd: "I saw the movie."
Joey: "There was a movie?!"

Michael: "Did anyone here read the book?"
Maureen: "You put too much pressure on us, Michael. A book a week?"
Jane: "It's just really gotten very stressful."
Michael: "How is reading stessful? Reading is fun! IT'S FUN!"
Joey: "Okay, okay. Let's not turn this into a hostage situation."

Joey: "If you want me to leave, I will."
Jane Diane and Maureen: "No!"

Gina: "Mm-mm, look at George Clooney, I would wear him down to a nub!"
Alex: "Yeah, I would... have bunches of sex with him."

Alex: "I wish I were as strong and as confident as you. And if it were me I would be more than happy to have you do my hair."
Gina: "Really? You mean that?"
Alex: "Absolutely."
Gina: "So, can we do it right now?"
Alex: "NOw? Oh, now seems so soon."

Joey: "Look, Michael, it's Joey, I know you're mad. But I hope you come home soon so we can talk about how you're feeling and work this out. And also if you get a chance to pickup some tacos or something on your way home, that'd be great."

Joey: "Michael, you have so many gifts that I don't have. You're really smart. People respect your opinion about stuff. That's a great thing."
Michael: "Maybe. I'd still rather have your gifts."
Joey: "Yeah, me too."

Michael: "Whoa."
Joey: "Now, that's a neighbor!"
Gina: "Come on, get your camera, I wanna get some pictures."
Michael: "You look so different. I can't believe you own an outfit that slutty."
Gina: "Hey, that's mine. I wear that to church."

Joey: "You're very nice to be such a good sport."
Alex: "Can I tell you something? I love it. I feel like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman."
Joey: "Oh. You know she was a hooker, right?"
Alex: "Yes. I have to go look at myself in the mirror again."

Bobbie: "Oh, Joey, I've got great news."
Joey: "Oh, did I get that commercial?"
Bobbie: "No, I bought a horse."

Michael: "Joey! Come o-- I gotta get to school. Oh, hi, I'm Michael."
Bobbie: "Mmm. Have a seat."

Bobbie: "Oh. Joey, I completely forgot, there's a residual check for you in the accounting department. Why don't you go grab it?"
Joey: "Alright! Okay, I'll be right back. I'll be right back."
Bobbie: "So, Michael, How do you feel about full frontal nudity?"
Michael: "I'm not an actor."
Bobbie: "Oh, yes. I know."